I want to share with you something that is super helpful in both managing your child’s behavior and strengthening your relationship. It’s so simple, too, but it does require a conscious effort. By following your child’s lead, s/he will feel more connected with you (the parent) and therefore be more apt to follow through with your requests. Easy, right? Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Let’s look at what can make it so.
If following the lead of your child is so beneficial, you might be wondering what could possibly get in the way of doing so. Well, many things. Daily stressors for starters. If you are like most, the daily demands of life are nothing less than exhausting. And, if you are balancing work with raising children or are a single parent, it’s tough! You come home, and you are too tired to get down on the floor and play with a child who has so much high energy. So many responsibilities to manage and stressors popping up in your mind. It’s hard to just be fully present in the here and now, let alone enter a child’s fantastical pretend world. Maybe you are physically ill or bogged down by sadness, grief, anxiety, and your own traumatic experiences. It’s hard to play with your child and engage in their thinking, what often times can seem silly, world.
If there are so many barriers to following the child’s lead, what can make it easier? Simply engaging in small amounts of play together will help. Start with small doses, whatever you have to give. Even if you are ill, you can engage from your chair or wherever you are stationary. Let your guard down and be silly. Something magical will happen, you will feel good! When you see your child look you in the eyes, and you know that in that moment you mean the world to them, it will give you strength to keep doing it. As you build up your endurance to join them on their level in play or interest-led activity, you will find it becoming easier. When you become vulnerable and let them lead, you will see their self-esteem increase as they learn their value through your interactions. That, dear caregiver, will motivate you and make it easier. Are you wondering if that’s it? Once you start following their lead, it just becomes easy and distraction free? No, sadly, it still will require conscious effort. And, there will be those very challenging days!
So what about those really tough days? Like Nike says, “just do it”. Be conscious and put in the effort. If you only have five minutes, give it. Play a quick game of I-spy, tickles, or whatever it is that will make your kiddo feel cared about in that small amount of time. You won’t regret it. And, a few minutes spent here and now will save on a lot of time later!
Not only am I a therapist but I am a mom. Owning my own practice and working full time can be very busy. Add to that parenting, marriage, and household demands, it’s down right taxing on me! Even though I know this easy ingredient for a successful family recipe, I can want to skip it for a quick fix. But I try to apply my conscious effort and remember how much better the flavor of the relationship will be with just a dash of following my kid’s lead. Here are a few things we resort to: tickle time, one round of hide-n-seek, and (no matter where you are) rock, paper, scissors. When we have more time we may play a video game together (one I understand!) or go ride bikes together. Our big, big thing is producing YouTube videos. Now, that is definitely following his lead! (See more about that on this blog post: Https://familycare.home.blog/2020/10/18/youtube-kids-and-becoming-a-producer-instead-of-just-a-consumer/ ). You know your child, find what s/he loves! And, just do it.
If you find yourself so bogged down that you can’t enjoy the time playing with your child, consider finding a play-based, dyadic therapy model/program with a clinician who is trained in attachment and family relationships. Or, if you have concerns about how your child is responding to you during your attempts to follow his/her lead, consider therapy. If that’s where you are finding yourself now, please contact me and I will be happy to help you locate resources that meet your needs, based on where you are. And, if in doubt, reach out!
Also, feel free to add your own ideas about following your child’s lead in the comments so other parents can glean information!