Happy Thanksgiving from Hope in Healing Family Services, PLLC.
There are so many (mental health) benefits associated with Thanksgiving. As a matter of fact, many treatment programs incorporate the act of thanks giving. That’s right, by giving thanks you are actually giving yourself a mindset of gratitude and improving your own psychological well-being!
Having an attitude of gratitude improves self-esteem, and I actually use (along with some other cognitive behavioral therapy things) this with many of my teen girls and adult females struggling with low self-esteem and low self-image. Being grateful and expressing it to others improves your relationships, which in turn impacts your health positively. There are tons of other benefits you can find if you just conduct an online search about the benefits of gratitude.
There are so many things we are thankful for, here at Hope in Healing Family Services, PLLC. Things such as our faith, family, friends, freedom, and the upcoming fellowship and food. There is something else we are thankful for, and it certainly deserves to be recognized here on the website’s blog. That is our business. It constantly amazes me that this dream has come true, and that the business is growing! While it has been a long-time dream and much schooling and professional training have been part of the process, I also have to give thanks for the grace I’ve experienced through the process. And, what blessing it is to be able to walk alongside families and individuals as they navigate life’s challenges, heal from past wounds, and restore hope for a healthier life! We are extremely thankful to be a part of the lives of those we serve, to be able to share resources with others, and to simply be an operating business that provides therapeutic services. Happy Thanksgiving from us!
November is National Adoption Month! So, let’s talk about adoption and what all comes along with it.
What comes to your mind when you first think of adoption? Is it the parents who waited forever and then brought home the sweet baby from the hospital? Is it the image of Wendy’s food chain restaurants and Dave Thomas Foundation? Is it all the beautiful children that were adopted by Angelina Jolie? There are so many varied images that come to mind when you start to think about what you know and understand about adoption. And, each family and child are different with different experiences. Both positive and negative experiences will accompany each family, adopted or not.
Let’s start with the positive. Adoption is a beautiful thing, and a wonderful opportunity for people to grow in their character, faith, and of course family. Adoption is what most children waiting want to happen for them, and they hope to have loving parents. For me, I think that the most positive experiences happen for the parents, as opposed to the child. While the most obvious is the joy that comes from just simply having a child and being entrusted with the responsibility over raising another human being, there are many more positive aspects to being the parent of an adopted child. One of them is a thing I talk about with clients often- grace. Parents of adopted children are going to experience, learn and be able to give grace like never before. Regardless of what causes it, the parent is going to make many mistakes along the way, which they will ultimately feel grace as they work through it. Raising adopted children often looks very different from the culture that the parent grew up in, and it can be very hard to be different as a parent, but learning to do so helps the parent learn grace as well. Adoptive parents also will be given so many chances to extend that grace to their adopted child as they respond to the true needs of the child versus the behaviors that are on display. When you adopt a child, you not only get a member of your family but lots of grace to go along with it. And, there are many other positives as well.
Not to be a glass half-empty kind of person, but there are also negatives that come along with adoption. I believe that most of these negatives can be turned into something positive in the long run, but while they are being experienced it is hard to see that. First of all, adoption in itself is a trauma. Sometimes we don’t realize that because of all the positives, but it is a great loss for that child. Even babies adopted right after birth are experiencing the loss of what they knew in utero. Studies have been conducted to also show the negative impact on babies that were being carried by mothers who were living in toxic stress, which is often the case of mothers who consider placing their babies up for adoption. For older children adoptions, there can be multiple other traumas that the child experiences- neglect, abuse, lack of food, shelter, security, and many other negative experiences. Adopting children “from hard places”, as the late Dr. Purvis would refer to adopted kids, often requires the parents to be a little more patient, flexible, and committed to the family relationship!
While not all families of adoption will need therapeutic services, many will. What often accompanies trauma is delays in learning, sensory processing needs and social/emotional difficulties. What can parents do when they realize their child needs more than just love and consistency in the home? Find mental health, speech and occupational therapists that have worked with adopted families, understand the impact of trauma, and will involve the parents in the child’s treatment. Make sure your mental health therapist is trained in trauma-informed models that are evidence-based. Find therapists trained in models like Child-parent Psychotherapy, Trauma-focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Parent-child Interaction Therapy, Trust-based Relational Intervention and other models that involve parent and child.
Happy National Adoption Month!
If you are interested in finding out more about statistics or other information, please visit the following websites:
Yes, election anxiety is a real thing. The polls closed on Tuesday, and here we are still waiting for results. Many of us have been on the edges of our seats with anticipation, anxiety, and either hope or fear. If you have been on any social media feed, you likely saw a variety of posts about different views and some strong opinions. You may be doing the posting yourself. Here are just a few things that I have heard others say: “I think that our country is going to have a civil war”, “The economy is going to be really bad”, “I am afraid that the KKK down the street is going to tie a noose around my neck”, “They can come try to take my guns if they want but there will be a fight”, “The whole country is going to shut down again”, “My husband’s business is already in trouble as it is”, “Get ready for the rioting again”, “People are going to die”, “Taxes are going to sky rocket and gas prices too”, “I am afraid for my child if he is elected”, and I could really go on and on here. I share these with you to show that many people are experiencing election anxiety. Many people are experiencing tense muscles, body aches, constant and distracting thoughts, and even getting physically sick. While these symptoms may alleviate for some once our country has finally announced the winner of the presidential election, for others these feelings and thoughts will remain. Because you matter, and so does your mental and physical health, here are a few tips on handling the election and post-election anxiety that you may be experiencing:
Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Self-care is more than just going to the spa or taking a day off work, it includes your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and practical self-care. You may need to step away from social media for a while, spend time outdoors, meditate, pray, sing hymns or other uplifting songs, and even tell others that you are taking a break from talking politics for this week. For more ideas on different kinds of self-care, read this blog post.
2. Understand your own values and beliefs. If we all believed in the same values, there would be no need to have different political parties or other differing affiliations. Take some time to think about why you believe what you believe in and what this means for you. Once you consider your beliefs, think about the reason you voted or chose not to vote based on the beliefs. They are your beliefs, and it is okay that you think one way that may be different from others. Also, apply this same thinking to others when you feel strong emotions about the beliefs they are sharing.
3. Apply your other beliefs, the positive ones. Do you have religious or faith beliefs that shed hope and peace on difficult situations? Which scriptures, psalms, proverbs, songs or adages make you feel more at peace and with hope? Make post-it notes and stick them all over your bathroom mirror, around your t.v. frame, on your desk at work, and in your car. Surround yourself with these positive post-it notes and read them whenever those anxious thoughts come creeping in your mind. Read them over and over again, until you are thinking them on your own. And, then you can replace the thoughts of anxiety and fear with hope and peace.
4. Seek support. What natural supports do you have that can help during this time? Not all family and friends make things better, especially when the beliefs you hold differ from theirs. Sometimes, these people can actually make things worse. If your family, friends, and other natural supports are not what you need at this time, seek professional support. There is no shame in seeing a counselor to help you process and manage your anxiety in order to have better daily functioning. Many therapists are trained in cognitive-behavior therapies that will help you decrease your election and post-election anxiety.
At this point, we are all over 2020. And, while we really are getting nearer to the close on this year, it seems like times remain uncertain. We continue to deal with COVID 19, which has taken such a toll on our mental health as a people. For some, the anxiety of becoming sick and dying or your loved ones suffering from the virus, is almost debilitating. For others, the fear of being mandated to get a vaccine or being separated from your children may become looming thought patterns. Either way, it is likely that if you are experiencing fear and anxiety, you are suffering both mentally and physically. You are also not alone in feeling this way. You are not the only one who is experiencing mood swings, changes in behavior, and other symptoms related to what you are experiencing right now. And, if you are not experiencing this, you likely know someone who is. There have been many studies completed and statistics published during COVID 19 about the mental health impact, disparities of populations receiving treatment during COVID 19, and ideas for supporting mental health during the pandemic. Statistics from the CDC, NIMH, SAMHSA, and other well-known groups can be found by simply searching for mental health statistics and COVID 19 online. While it is now not a surprise that many are facing mental health challenges as a result of the pandemic, it is surprising that some people are not reaching out for help. While the barriers may be different for each person, those barriers can be overcome. If you recognize a change in attitude or behavior in a family member, friend or co-worker, please talk with them and refer them to a counselor who can help them work through what they are experiencing. There are many therapists that are working with tele-health now, and there are some that will meet face-to-face for those who prefer that. Even help them find a counselor they will be comfortable with, be it by finding someone with a specific sex, age, race, or training. Help them understand how they can navigate insurance or that they have the option to avoid using insurance/diagnosis altogether if that is the concern. There are counselors who will take private pay, and some counselors offer a sliding scale fee to help those without insurance or wishing to not receive a diagnosis. What is most important is that we do not continue to add to the statistics, and we can do that by receiving or encouraging mental health care.
I want to share with you something that is super helpful in both managing your child’s behavior and strengthening your relationship. It’s so simple, too, but it does require a conscious effort. By following your child’s lead, s/he will feel more connected with you (the parent) and therefore be more apt to follow through with your requests. Easy, right? Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Let’s look at what can make it so.
If following the lead of your child is so beneficial, you might be wondering what could possibly get in the way of doing so. Well, many things. Daily stressors for starters. If you are like most, the daily demands of life are nothing less than exhausting. And, if you are balancing work with raising children or are a single parent, it’s tough! You come home, and you are too tired to get down on the floor and play with a child who has so much high energy. So many responsibilities to manage and stressors popping up in your mind. It’s hard to just be fully present in the here and now, let alone enter a child’s fantastical pretend world. Maybe you are physically ill or bogged down by sadness, grief, anxiety, and your own traumatic experiences. It’s hard to play with your child and engage in their thinking, what often times can seem silly, world.
If there are so many barriers to following the child’s lead, what can make it easier? Simply engaging in small amounts of play together will help. Start with small doses, whatever you have to give. Even if you are ill, you can engage from your chair or wherever you are stationary. Let your guard down and be silly. Something magical will happen, you will feel good! When you see your child look you in the eyes, and you know that in that moment you mean the world to them, it will give you strength to keep doing it. As you build up your endurance to join them on their level in play or interest-led activity, you will find it becoming easier. When you become vulnerable and let them lead, you will see their self-esteem increase as they learn their value through your interactions. That, dear caregiver, will motivate you and make it easier. Are you wondering if that’s it? Once you start following their lead, it just becomes easy and distraction free? No, sadly, it still will require conscious effort. And, there will be those very challenging days!
So what about those really tough days? Like Nike says, “just do it”. Be conscious and put in the effort. If you only have five minutes, give it. Play a quick game of I-spy, tickles, or whatever it is that will make your kiddo feel cared about in that small amount of time. You won’t regret it. And, a few minutes spent here and now will save on a lot of time later!
Not only am I a therapist but I am a mom. Owning my own practice and working full time can be very busy. Add to that parenting, marriage, and household demands, it’s down right taxing on me! Even though I know this easy ingredient for a successful family recipe, I can want to skip it for a quick fix. But I try to apply my conscious effort and remember how much better the flavor of the relationship will be with just a dash of following my kid’s lead. Here are a few things we resort to: tickle time, one round of hide-n-seek, and (no matter where you are) rock, paper, scissors. When we have more time we may play a video game together (one I understand!) or go ride bikes together. Our big, big thing is producing YouTube videos. Now, that is definitely following his lead! (See more about that on this blog post: Https://familycare.home.blog/2020/10/18/youtube-kids-and-becoming-a-producer-instead-of-just-a-consumer/ ). You know your child, find what s/he loves! And, just do it.
If you find yourself so bogged down that you can’t enjoy the time playing with your child, consider finding a play-based, dyadic therapy model/program with a clinician who is trained in attachment and family relationships. Or, if you have concerns about how your child is responding to you during your attempts to follow his/her lead, consider therapy. If that’s where you are finding yourself now, please contact me and I will be happy to help you locate resources that meet your needs, based on where you are. And, if in doubt, reach out!
Also, feel free to add your own ideas about following your child’s lead in the comments so other parents can glean information!
We have all joked about 2020 because “it is better to laugh than to cry” but I don’t think we all realized that what started at the beginning of the year was going to carry on over to the next school year. I work with quite a few parents that have children in school, and they are not happy about the virtual school or school at home option! These parents are feeling stressed out because their kids are difficult. That’s right, some kids are just more difficult than others. Some kids are very strong-willed (which can be a positive quality but not when it comes to not wanting to do the school work), have big feelings and behaviors, have experienced traumas that cause a lot of difficulty when it comes to the academics. These kids often have special needs, be it attention or learning disabilities or other cognitive limitations that hinder the ability to watch a lesson, practice it, and master that skill. The parents of these kids are really struggling right now, and they are wondering how they will survive this school year. If you find yourself feeling like this parent right about now, then this blog post is for you!
Time for school- First of all, know that you don’t have to do school at home. While you may be given times by the school to be logged in to the platform they are using for the synchronous part of the lesson, the asynchronous learning times of the day can be flexible. It is better for you to work with your child during the time of day that they are going to be most engaged than to struggle through the whole day. If they do their best while eating lunch, then that can become the time to practice those lessons. For reading assignments, consider what time of day will they best be able to focus. Does this need to be first thing in the morning before their attention goes other places or does it need to be at the end of the day after they are tired and have done all the other things they had on their mind? Can you do this in the bed together and incorporate it into your bedtime ritual?
Home is home, not a classroom- I think desks are cute and charts on the walls make me happy, but you don’t need to turn your home into the school. Don’t stress on purchasing items that you don’t necessarily need. You are going to have enough to do just by monitoring your child’s completing their assignments. You have a kitchen table, and if that location is too distracting for the child, put them on a couch in a living room. If they are responsible enough to work in their room or another room that is distraction free, try that. You may be spending a few hours helping your child learn, so make sure the location is comfortable for you and that you will be able to focus as well.
Understanding Responsibility- This is touchy, I know. As a parent, I can relate to feeling the pressure of wanting your child to succeed and do well. However, a child learning from his own mistakes will make for very success in mastery. When a child seems to be ambivalent about learning and getting the work load completed, it can be very frustrating. We can get trapped in a tornado of thoughts that are futuristic and catastrophic, which do no good at all. But, allowing our child to experience their own consequences and learn from them will help create on outlasting success skill for your child.
Self-care is essential- As a parent who works full-time and has home-schooled two children with different special needs, I know the amount of stress it puts a parent under. If the parent, who is also the teacher or even the learning coach, is super stressed out, it is going to pour out into that home classroom! It will spill right on over and that does no one any good. I urge you to take care of yourself first, even if it is just ten minutes in the morning in prayer or meditation and ten minutes at the end of the day in a hot bath. There may be ways to incorporate healthy eating and exercise or stretching into the school routine at home, benefiting you and the kiddo. Haven’t you heard, “If Mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”?
Cut back the tech. I know, this sounds crazy when the kids will be using so much time on tech just to get in the classwork. But, there have been numerous studies done- go google it right now- on how exposure to tech and social media impacts children (and adults). So, make that plan of when things need to be done by tech and then re-charge with out the tech. Maybe play board games together (they teach so many educational and life skills!) or go outside for a walk or bike ride together. Time in nature seems to do some good grounding. Cook together, but walk away from the constant input of immediate gratification and screen time.
Find ways to get socialization for everyone. Unless you, your child, or someone in your family is at high-risk, find a way to get some socialization in by following safety measures. You need to talk to other adults and your kids need to see other kids. If you have a large family, no problem. If you are raising a single child and stuck in the same place together twenty-four seven, you might both be on edge already! Find opportunities in your area that allow you to be safe. If you are at high-risk find virtual opportunities.
Most of us have heard of self-care but the idea of actually applying it can be down right challenging. For some there is an awareness that self-care needs to happen but their are other barriers. Such as time or financial constraints that make it pretty impossible. For others, there is not an awareness of what self-care consists of other than very tangible tasks like getting hair and nails done or taking a vacation from work. Then, there are people who have such strong beliefs and internal messages that they are actually thinking negatively about having self-care as important as it is.
We will talk about the various types of self-care and identify some easy ways to make it more applicable in your life. Self-care is important for all people, and it is needed as much as food and air. You have heard the sayings, “If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others” or “If Mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. Well, those sayings are absolutely right and point to the fact that self-care is absolutely essential!
Photo By: Anthony Tran – Unsplash.com
Physical Self-Care
Let’s start with physical self-care, because this is one that is fairly easy to recognize and attend to for most people. Physical self-care consists of engaging in activities that promote the overall physical (fitness, nutritional, etc.) health of yourself. Activities that come to mind are exercising, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep.
There are also other things you can do such as taking time to engage in fun and healthy movements, such as walking or swimming. It can include taking vitamins, sitting in the sunshine to absorb Vitamin D, or spending time away from technology. Or taking time off work when sick or taking days to have a break from work, including one day and longer vacations. It can also include maintaining routine health visits, such as doctor and dental. Don’t forget the chiropractic, acupuncture, and massage appointments that can be very beneficial. Even wearing clothes that you like and feel good on your body is applying self-care. While some of thees ideas cost money, many you can modify to be cost-free. You can exercise at home or learn to give self-massages.
Emotional Self-Care
Emotional self-care is another type of self-care that is pretty recognizable for most people. Things like spending time with others that you enjoy, maintaining family and friend connections, reading and watching movies, finding things that make you laugh all help you to engage in a healthy level of emotional self-care. Also, allowing yourself to cry or expressing outrage in a healthy way are methods to attending to emotional self-care.
You may wonder how to express outrage in a healthy way, but taking action in a social cause by marching, protesting, writing letters, or donating money are all healthy ways that allow you to express social outrage in a healthy and safe manner. It is also important to give yourself affirmations and lots of positive self-talk. Affirmations, self-talk don’t cost a thing and can happen anywhere and anytime.
Social Self-Care
Did you know that social self-care is a thing? It only seems right to include it right after mentioning emotional self-care as they seem somewhat related. Social self-care is important as we are meant to be connected with others, created for relationship. This type of self-care includes engaging in activities that deepen the relationships with others in your life, and much like some of the things mentioned above, it creates healthy feelings of the self.
Making time to go to lunch with a friend, be it building a friendship with a new found friend or reconnecting with an old pal, is one way of maintaining this type of self-care. And, if you don’t want to spend ten bucks on a lunch date you can always pack a lunch and sit together. You can also go on a date and take the time to make phone calls to other friends or family members.
Psychological Self-Care
Psychological self-care is one that I believe often gets neglected but is utterly important. Without this type of self-care, it is hard to manage your own emotions let alone help others regulate theirs. Here are a few ideas to make sure you are managing your psychological self-care: make time for self-reflection, notice your body-brain-soul (listen to your gut, pay attention to aches, hear your inner thoughts, consider your beliefs), write a journal, read literature that is unrelated to work, or engage in mentally challenging puzzles.
It is important to minimize stress and allow yourself to receive from others. A big area that many of us, especially females, struggle with is saying no. But saying no is actually a form of psychological self-care that helps you have more time and space for doing the needed self-reflection and mind work!
Spiritual Self-Care
Spiritual self-care should also be maintained, even if you do not follow a set religious belief system. Some ways that you can do this are to spend time reading devotionals, in prayer or meditation, singing praises or other inspirational songs, and reading the Bible. Being involved in a spiritual community is important as well. Be it a small group from church or another group that meets with a similar set of beliefs that will encourage you.
If you are a Christian, it is probably starting to seem like the Bible talks a lot about self-care by now. If you feel that you are not religious, you can practice things like being open to inspiration from various places. Cherishing your hope and positive outlooks. Or being aware of non-materialistic things. Identify what is meaningful to you and pay attention to it’s importance in your life. Also, be open to not knowing everything.
Practical Self-Care
Another self-care type that I find so essential and often over looked is practical self-care. Just think about how practical self-care actually allows you to have self-care in other areas. Practical self-care includes activities you peruse in order to create room for other core aspects of your life and to help alleviate stress. Practicing in this type of self-care could include making a budget and periodically managing it. Taking professional development classes to improve a skill on the job. Or cleaning your work area so that you can be more focused. Taking the time to organize an area will go a long way in retrieving what you need when you need it. It is almost like by beginning to have good practical self-care, you can then start having better self-care in the other areas.
Practicing Self-Care
While practicing self-care isn’t always easy, it is important for us to try and accomplish meeting our own needs in each of these areas in order to reduce stress. If you are not sure how you stack up when it comes to self-care, there are several free quizzes that can be found by searching online. You can also begin to monitor yourself and give yourself points based on the items listed in each of the categories.
If you see that you are doing really well in one area but not in another, find a way to strike a balance. This may include scheduling time for a walk in your calendar. Setting your phone on do not disturb during your sleep hours in order to get rest. Or making a to-do list of practical items that need to get done in order to become more focused, on-task and efficient with work. If you find yourself struggling to make changes or having negative feelings towards applying self-care, it may be beneficial to reach out to a professional for some brief counseling to improve in this area of your life.
Even though the topic of race may not be one of the majorly controversial topics of 2020, it is still a subject that people may not feel is in need of much discussion. This blog post is designed for all readers to take away information based on my professional experience, but I am writing with one particular audience in mind: bi-racial and trans-racial families. While it is important for all children to grow up understanding and accepting differences in skin color and cultures, it is crucial for children who have parents that look different from them to hear about such differences.
Silence Says Something about Race Attitudes
Silence says something. When a mom and dad don’t acknowledge the differences in the color of a child they are raising, it says something. I recently heard a colleague say, “I want you to see my color” as he was emphasizing the importance of seeing the whole person. If you look different from your child and you never talk about it, what message does that send to the child? The child is going to notice they don’t look like you and possibly even that they don’t look like anyone around them.
I have read so many blogs and books from children adopted internationally that have led me to realize the struggle to be so different in a community of others. It leaves one questioning much of their identity and feeling as if they don’t belong when the differences are ignored. And, working with many bi-racial children has left me well aware of the unique struggles that come from feeling different even when you are the product of two parents that expose you to both sides of the races.
It is really difficult when the child is left feeling like they don’t fit into either race and that they are less valuable as a result. Or, in either case, it is rather tragic when a child grows up feeling dirty or damaged for their differences because it was never really accepted and acknowledged by those adults. It is important for children to learn their story, learn their cultural back grounds, and even learn the possible responses they may get (and why) from others in certain situations.
Red, yellow, black and white
Red, yellow, black, and white… it goes beyond singing Jesus Loves the Little Children of the World. Sometimes it can be difficult for parents to point out the differences of a child they adopted or are step-parenting because of possible emotional needs/wounds that the parent has or because of fears. But, I believe in “speaking the unspeakable” and having those difficult conversations.
Children are resilient and are willing to talk about what they notice, much more likely than the adults are usually. I remember when my own son was either a late five or early six, he questioned, “I’m white?” and that was when our conversations in skin color differences started. We had read books, had dolls on display, and shared much about his heritage before but never really tried to categorize him. Even though we explained that he was Filipino and Asian-American now, he still didn’t see where he fit in.
About a year and a half later he came home and asked, “Am I black?” so we had to revisit the conversation again. Another time, we were reading a popular kid’s series of books and when we read about Jackie Robinson and all the kids with brown skin not being able to swim in the pool but one day a week while the white kids got to swim all other days, he looked up at me with confusion and sadness. We had to explore that. And, of course, as he is older now and listens to the radio, we have had to have lots of conversations.
Where to start when talking about Race
Where do we start? Well, I would say start anywhere and anytime. I have a special preference towards books, but toys work just as well. When you lay out dolls of different colors, kids realize the shades vary and that may spark a conversation. I will list some book resources that you can read to your children and spark discussions below with links to purchase them.
(The link for Usborne Books and More is from my personal page, and I do receive commission from any purchases from that direct page.) (Amazon links are affiliate links, and I receive compensation from purchases directly from the links.)
Usborne Books
That’s Not My Zebra’s Colors.
This cute children’s book is a board book to start with the youngest of children. It shares a story of a zebra wanting to have the same skin as other animals but then understanding the uniqueness and benefit in his own type of skin. https://u8581.myubam.com/p/6993/thats-not-my-zebras-colors
Here and There
Here and There is a book that explores the different cultures of people around the world. If you are wanting a specific country or culture to be included, please check to see if the country you are looking for is included before purchasing. https://u8581.myubam.com/p/6829/here-and-there
The Human Body (Shine-a-light).
This book is a non-fiction, science subject type of book but it represents different shades of people throughout the book, even in the section about skin. This book can open the door to talk about differences in how skins look. https://u8581.myubam.com/p/5869/human-body-the-shine-a-light
Babies Come from Airports
If you have adopted internationally, this is just a very cute book to explain how a child came to be with his parents. However, it also represents three children of all different colors and likely heritage in the story. This will definitely open the door for discussions about race, differences among family members, and more. https://u8581.myubam.com/p/6186/babies-come-from-airports
Amazon Books
Same Difference
This book highlights the differences between the looks of two cousins. They are very similar in all things they like to do but notice differences in skin color and hair texture.
It has a lyrical, upbeat air that begs to be read aloud and offers an engaging rhyme pattern for young children. Vivid illustrations capture the spirit and innocence of Lida and Lisa, two first cousins who find themselves at odds with each other over their physical differences. With the help of their wise grandmother, the girls soon realize that their bond is deeper than what they see and our differences are what make us beautiful.
I Like Myself
This board book is for all ages. It journey’s through the main character discussing all the things that makes a unique and likable self.
High on energy and imagination, this ode to self-esteem encourages kids to appreciate everything about themselves—inside and out. Messy hair? Beaver breath? So what! Here’s a little girl who knows what really matters.
At once silly and serious, Karen Beaumont’s joyous rhyming text and David Catrow’s wild illustrations unite in a book that is sassy, soulful . . . and straight from the heart. The sturdy board book is just right for little hands.
Just as you have seen ants come in the house and make quite the mess, the ANTS in your brain can also cause some damage. ANTs refers to Automatic Negative Thoughts, which was coined by Dr. Daniel Amen (https://www.amenclinics.com/). There are several ANTS that can infest your thought process, and just like species of ants there are some that leave more of a sting than others (the last three in this list are like fire ants!). You can probably identify some ANTS that you will want to exterminate in the list below:
Automatic Negative Thoughts
Always Thinking- Generalizing thoughts with “always”, “never”, “everyone”
Thinking with Your Feelings- Assuming your feelings are correct and not questioning it
All or Nothing- It is either good or bad. Or, it is black or white kind of thinking
Focusing on the Negative- Seeing only the negative in situations despite plenty positives
Guilt Beatings- Thinking in words like could have, would have, should have and such
Personalization- Believing everything someone says or does is directed to you
Labeling- Calling yourself or someone else names in negative terms
Blame- Blaming others for your problems and not taking any responsibility for them
Fortune Telling- Predicting the worse when you cannot know the outcome of a situation
Mind Reading- Thinking you know what someone else is thinking though they haven’t told you
These types of thinking can create a self-fulfilling prophecy and become how you are or what you do. For example, if you label yourself a procrastinator you will likely be more apt to wait until last minute to complete things. It isn’t hard to get wrapped up in a vicious cycle with these ANTs. But, there is a way to take control and change that!
Taking Control
Your negative thoughts produce certain chemicals in the brain that further impact your mood and thinking, and your positive thoughts also produce certain chemicals that impact your mood and thinking. To get rid of those pesky ANTs, you have to terminate them with replacement thoughts. Think of your positive thoughts like a spray can of Raid or like and Anteater. I help clients identify their automatic negative thoughts first and identify things that trigger those thoughts. We then explore the client’s values and beliefs to come up with positive thoughts that can replace the negative ones. Often they will place the positive thoughts where they will see them in situations where they feel triggered, such as the bathroom mirror, in a notebook that will be open in class, or sometimes they post them all over the house.
I tell clients when they realize they are being attacked by an ANT to replace it with that positive thought five times. You have to believe your positive thoughts for them to work as replacement thoughts, so dig deep into what you believe or use statements that others whom you believe say about you. If you are spiritual, use scripture or song lyrics to become your positive thoughts. It took many years for your ANTs to grow into what they are, so don’t expect change over night. And, if you feel that your ANTs have created high levels of anxiety, depression, or in some way keeping you from enjoying life as you should, reach out for professional help.
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When we hear these are unprecedented times, it seems like an understatement! We are witnessing more in the past few months than many have in a lifetime! Let’s start with the pandemic that shut down the entire world. That has certainly impacted us (see a previous post: Coping with Covid-19) and it most certainly has had impact on our kids. They watched as schools shut down, travel stopped, churches and religious groups stopped meeting, people started staying home all the time, food shortages happened, cleaning supplies and toilet paper became a highly valued commodity, and wearing masks were necessary in public places.
Working with children, the biggest two concerns I heard were that they missed their friends (so important!) and the wondering if everyone was going to get sick and/or die. If you were plugged in to television or social media, you probably exposed your kids to locust plagues in Africa and Murder Hornets entering the US with threat to harm food supplies. Then, there was the murder of George Floyd which was all over television and social media.
Even if you shelter your kids, they were bound to hear some family member talking about it. They also likely heard about the protests and the rioting that followed. Should we talk to our kids about these scary and horrible things? Why expose them!
Are others talking to their kids?
After a conversation with a friend, I started to think about the difficulty of living as a parent in 2020! We love our kids and want to protect them! We don’t want to share horrible things with them because we just want them to be happy. And we want happy and emotionally healthy kids. I also started to wonder how many parents are talking with their kids, so I messaged a ton of people to ask the question, “How are you talking to your kids about what all is happening? What questions are they asking you and how are you responding?”
I intentionally asked various people, being black, white, Hispanic, Asian, male, female, single parent, married parent, middle class, low SES. The thing they all had in common was they were in my social media contacts and currently or had lived in NC. Most were parents of school-aged kids, but some were parents of preschoolers and teenagers. What I found out was that almost every parent responded with something like: “I am not talking about it”, “I don’t want to expose them”, “I only talk with other grown ups but we do not talk in front of the children”, “I want to shield my kids”, “I don’t talk about it unless they ask a question”, “I am not talking about it yet but I will talk with them when they get older”, or “I tell them what they need to know about going in public to be safe but nothing more”.
I did have another parent who talks to her school-age children about everything going on as she believed they had been exposed to all of it to some degree. But, it seems like no one is really talking to their kids too much.
Should we expose our kids?
While I don’t think it is appropriate to share too much, like watching violent videos, I do feel that it is important to talk to your kids about the hard stuff. I think the way you talk to a young child is through playing, reading books, and and helping them understand where others come from or what facts there are about things. Older kids are ready to talk and they are getting information from somewhere if not a parent. With technology devices and television, you know they have seen or heard something. Even a national children’s television station took a break to make awareness for social injustice one day.
I really cannot imagine that children have not been exposed to the stressful changes and traumatic events going on. I had a friend message me during local rioting saying that her husband had to go out the house that night to his shop, and he also carried a gun. This was because rioting was happening and people were breaking windows, flipping cars, and spray paining things. Granted her child may have been asleep, there is always a chance that they were awake in bed listening.
I remember working with a young boy who had some big behaviors and was getting in trouble at school. His mom did not believe he had witnessed the shooting that occurred in their neighborhood because it was after he had been asleep. When we introduced treatment and I briefly spoke the unspeakable, he played the entire event out to a detail. Now, I only stated and showed him with toys that there was a shooting and police came in the neighborhood but he was able to play it and tell his mom “and he ran through those woods” while pointing.
One parent shared that her child asked her why they were being picked up early (when stores/daycare’s/camps were closing early the evening of the scheduled protesting for #BlackLivesMatter) in this community. Her response was to tell the nine year old that the town was going to get very busy and they needed to get home early as a result. She didn’t let him know that she and others were concerned that there may be some rioting. Instead she discussed that there were people protesting for social injustice. She informed me that this was not a new concept either. Her child’s response was, “You mean Like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.?” Kids really do get this stuff.
One child asked about someone being killed. My own child overheard something and asked us “What’s man’s name cop killed? He was a bad cop?” And, we of course were able to go into the example of social injustice and use our faith as a foundation for helping him understand the rights of all people and why some people make bad choices. Prior to this, he would say, “Cooper says…” all the time after listing to talk radio and we could have conversations about Corona Virus updates and what was going on in our state. We knew this was his way to gain control of things, so we let him tell us news updates. He also played doctor.
Kids know when something is up
Our kids know, because they can pick up on things. Even if they don’t over hear us or talk radio, they are aware of their schedules being interrupted. They are also highly aware that something is off when mommy, daddy, or whoever the caregiver is seems to be very sad, anxious, angry or just different. Kids are always paying attention. And, they are always looking to caregiver’s to make meaning of what is going on. They learn to understand things this way. This is why talking to your kids is so very important. It helps them to understand where feelings and changes in behaviors are coming from. This way they don’t internalize that they are upsetting to mommy when asking questions or they are not safe because everything is changing and dad is anxious.
How do we talk to our Kids?
Your younger kids may not have the words for everything, but watch their play. Watch for themes emerging in their play. Are people sick and dying? Are good guys and bad guys becoming more aggressive? Do they want mommy to find them or see them? Even though it can be hard to share though topics with your preschool-aged kids, they are probably ready for it when done in an age appropriate manner. For example, reading a coloring book about COVID-19 or reading a story about diversity is appropriate for preschoolers. Use what you see them playing about and drawing pictures of as a jumping point for what is on their mind as well. When you see something, ask them about it.
You likely will not have to do much talking, because they will tell it all! Sometimes their reality isn’t what your reality is, and that is okay. You can support their feelings and perceptions of world events while also helping them to make sense of what is happening. Same thing goes with older kids, they are watching or hearing about it. Even though they may not be talking about it, they are thinking about it. Ask them questions, so they know they can come to you about anything bothering them.
Dangers of not Talking
Do you know what happens when we don’t talk about the tough stuff and help our kids process their feelings? What happens when our children are exposed to stressful experiences and never have someone guiding them in their understanding of situations? Children are left with overwhelming feelings that they may be able to name but not understand. They are hijacked by overwhelming stress that manifests in numerous ways. They may be triggered and respond in intense emotions and behaviors. Their brains and nervous systems are impacted, which means things like sleep and appetite are impacted. Learning and peer relationships becomes an issue because they cannot focus and utilize those frontal lobe skills needed to be successful. You can find more information on this at The National Child Traumatic Stress Network and other places.
What if you’re not ready?
What if you feel too emotional to talk to your kids about the things that make you very angry, sad or worried? Or if you cannot talk to your kids without bursting into tears? What if you cannot talk to your kids because you just freeze up and cannot think to form the words? Or if you feel so angry that you know you will say something hurtful? Maybe it is time for you to reach out to a support group or professional about helping you first. There are wonderful early intervention programs and infant/Preschool mental health programs as well. There is help so that you can talk to your children about the things that they are being exposed to in stressful and traumatic ways.
